Everyone Loses in The Blame Game.

In this week that follows the events in Charlottesville, I see things happening that are not good for us; as individuals, or as a country. Blame is being thrown around like a quarter-billion person game of hot potato, except we’re all holding the ball when the timer goes off.

Who’s To Blame?

There is blame toward the white supremacists who started the rally there, and rightly so. In this melting pot of a country, racism has no place. Despite the fact that they obtained a legal permit and were there legally, they were doing something that ultimately hurts the well-being of the country. I do appreciate, though, that they showed their faces, though as to whether that was bravery or stupidity and ignorance, the jury is still out. Being pro-white is not, in itself, a bad thing. It’s not racist. Being anti-any other color, however, is unacceptable. It is racist. Many of these white supremacists have ancestry that contains races they claim to be against. I guess they’re just starting from their current generation.

Opposite these neanderthals were Antifa, a relatively new group that dedicates itself to eradicating fascism. What they don’t do, however, is stop being fascists themselves. It’s as though they read Saul Alinsky and used his writings as instructions, rather than a warning against further acts of fascism. Antifa contains members of all races, but leaves the respectable ones at home. You won’t find Martin Luther King Jr in this bunch, though Malcolm X makes quite a few appearances. They cover their faces and wear hoods in an attempt to not be identified. I’d equate them with the KKK, but even in their hoods, the KKK is still dumb enough to tell you their names.

Antifa have made huge strides over the past couple of years in eradicating free speech. They do this through acts of mob violence toward anyone who doesn’t fully agree with them, and through destruction of property. Anyone remember Bike Lock Guy? He was a college professor who donned a mask and split a man’s head open with a bike lock, then ran away like a coward. Now, he must have had a good reason, right? No, he just saw someone who supported Trump and started swinging. There have been many more violent acts committed by Antifa, but so far, their masks have allowed them to remain anonymous in those instances.

As yet, Antifa has received no blame by the media for the violence that went on in Charlottesville.

A third group was represented, though at this time, nobody seems to know whether they were actually there, or just Antifa members carrying their cry. Shouts of “Black Lives Matter” could be heard during the counterprotest.

Black Lives Matter is a group I will gladly lump in with the KKK. They have fought hard for apartheid, even going so far as to gain ‘black only’ spaces at various college campuses, and even taking over Evergreen college, to varying degrees. Bernie Sanders was shouted down by them, even though he supported them, simply because his skin is white. White allies of BLM have found themselves attacked and ousted because they aren’t black. The founder of Black Lives Matter Toronto, Yusra Khogali believes that white people are genetic defects and need to be wiped out. BLM is a hate group, and is racist, and should be treated just like the KKK.

Aside from that, we have Donald Trump himself. A man who has spent many decades making strides in racial inclusivity, is now labeled a racist, because that’s the word the left uses when they don’t have an argument. He didn’t say anything about Charlottesville for two days following the riots. Anyone can see that he should likely have already been denouncing all sides of the riot before the crowds had even cleared. Instead, he waited, and then delivered a middling response. A smart person knows he’s simply not up to this task. Most people, however, decided that anything short of him going to Charlottesville and shooting a KKK member himself was racist.

Finally, we have the general populace. Celebrities have come out denouncing the KKK, which they should. Some, though, denounced white people specifically. Jennifer Lawrence has come out saying that people need to identify all members of the KKK rally. Just what we need. A bunch of basement-dwelling, blue-balled neckbeard white knights vying for J-Law’s attentions by pointing to anyone they saw at the rally. This can’t possibly go wrong. Oh wait, it already did.

Let’s Point Fingers

It looks like everyone is looking for someone else to blame. The KKK wants to blame those nasty scary black people who are black because of their sins, not because their homelands required melanin in their skin. BLM wants to blame those pasty demonic white people who were invented by Yakub as something for black people to fight against. Antifa wants to blame anyone who isn’t them. Everyone wants to blame Trump.

It looks a whole lot like people trying to blame anyone but themselves. Everyone in the KKK and BLM needs to realize that they, as individuals, decided to be racists and join groups based on persecuting another race. Children aren’t born racist. My (white)kids know that black people are dark because of melanin, and are otherwise the same as white people.

Antifa members need to look at themselves and realize that they have become a militia, and that it is their fault that their protests turn ugly. Meeting words with violence is never okay, and labeling someone as a bigot(often falsely) doesn’t immediately give you the moral high ground.

The Best We Can Be

We, as Americans, need to look to ourselves as the example. Don’t be like Trump. Don’t be like the KKK. Don’t be like BLM. Don’t be like Antifa. Be decent. Be kind. Care for your fellow man. Take the blame when you screw up, realize it’s okay and doesn’t define you, and try to do better.

I realize this sounds trite, but be the best you that you can be. Be the change you want to see in the world.

On Race, Part Deux: Charlottesville’s Web.

There are a lot of people out there blaming President Trump for the race riots happening in Charlottesville. It’s sickening that everyone’s looking for a scapegoat when the real problem is within themselves. Whether white or black, racists filled the streets of Charlottesville.

Did we blame Obama when Micah Johnson gunned down five cops specifically because he hated white people?

No, we didn’t.

Did we blame Obama for all of the BLM fueled riots in Ferguson, Baltimore, Milwaukee, and Charlotte?

No, we didn’t.

Now, I will admit, there was a vocal group of white people that were constantly blaming Obama for things like that, but the rest of us white, black, brown, or other, all knew that those white people were racists.

Why, then, do we have so many black people that are otherwise moderate and nonracist going ahead and blaming Trump and all white people for what happened in Charlottesville? Why is the singer Lorde, among other celebrities, trying to point the finger at an entire race of people? Why is everyone virtue signaling?

We do have a race problem in our country. It is one that did not exist before president Obamas eight years in office. It was not caused by Barack Obama. It was caused by racist black groups, fueled by money and words from the left. It has been proven time and time again that protesters have been bussed in, and that the money to pay for the buses came from organizations run by George Soros, among other people.

The racial divide is not caused by members of the various races, it is caused by the leftist government in their attempts to discredit the right and to put any non-white race down.

Remember, the KKK used to be nothing but Democrats. Planned Parenthood was started by Margaret Sanger, who was a known eugenicist, and wanted the extermination of black people. She knew that abortions would be a great way to do that. The government, specifically the left government, wants to keep black people poor so that they are unhappy and kill each other. Look what happens to black Republicans. They are treated as pariahs by their own communities, but they achieve great success in the long run.

“Really? Bet you can’t name 77 of them.”

Now, you might notice, a lot of these people are not liked by their community. They are called Uncle Toms, and accused of helping the white man.

How about this? White racists are shitty. Black racists are shitty. Mexican racists are shitty. All racists of all colors are shitty.

We have two legs, two arms, walk upright, speak complex languages, bleed red, and we are at the top of the food chain because of how freaking awesome we are. Why are we still stupid enough to think that we are different just because of color?

It’s our ideologies that make us different.

One ideology in particular that I would like to point out is the left. All of it. They are still just as racist as they were. Hell, Hillary Clinton admired a former KKK leader. Her campaign was called “I’m With Her”. How selfish is that? She made it obvious right up front that she was doing this for her, not the country, not for anyone else. Just for her. While Donald Trump, a brilliant businessman, makes a fool of himself on the national stage, he still felt it was his duty to make America great again.

And what do we get in response to make America great again? We get people, on the left of course, saying that America was never great. Excuse me? It was never great? Then leave. We don’t need people like you. We don’t need losers. This is a country where you win or lose on your own merits. It’s called a meritocracy. The left calls it Ableism. Communists, socialists, and anarchists need to get the hell out of here and go to someplace where those views are acceptable. Here, winners win and losers lose. Period.

In the long run, I hope it is the racists of any race, and the people who put money and time into a race war who lose.

The rest of us just need to move forward and leave them behind.

Crabs in a Bucket

Have you ever heard of the term “Crabs in a bucket”?

It describes the practice of crabbers placing freshly caught crabs on their backs into the bucket, legs in the air. They do this because any crab that attempts to escape the bucket will be held down by the groping appendages of the crabs underneath it. An otherwise successful escape foiled by one’s own peers.

It sounds funny and counter-intuitive. What animal bent on survival could ever be caught in such a trap, that a trapper would think of this as a solution?

I give you, modern man.

Some of you may be reading this asking if I’ve just assumed your gender.

Crab, meet bucket.

Yes, today’s trend of looking for problems where there are none is an example of the crab bucket trap. While you’re so busy taking down your fellow man, others are moving closer and closer to success in their lives.

Have you ever seen what happens when somebody grows up in the ghetto and attempts to move out and make better of his or her life? It’s amazing how quickly that person’s peers develop an attitude toward them. Chris Rock said it best when it comes to a black man trying to make his life better. I don’t think I need to quote it, I’m pretty sure you already know what it says.

Despite it being 2017, people still get this attitude. Look at Bryant Gumbel. He gets called in Uncle Tom by his own “community”, because he doesn’t act the way rap music videos would suggest he should. Let’s go even further. This Group of activists called black lives matter is following the same pattern as the KKK, even going so far as to attempt to segregate black people from white people. Weren’t we as humans supposed to be moving forward, not backward?

It goes even further. In Canada, a person can now be fined for calling somebody by the wrong gender. Now you might think that’s pretty simple. See a woman call her ma’am. See a man, call him Sir. Oh, if only it were that simple. Not only do some men get to identify as women, and women get to identify as man, but the community that has caused this madness continues to add more and more varying degrees of gender to their repertoire. Xir, Xur, Zir, Zer, Zur, the list goes on, and you can be fined for mishandling any of them. By the way, my AutoCorrect went insane on me during all of that.

It’s 2017. We should know better than to allow this childish behavior.

Gender fluidity, gender queerness, or even being trans racial. People are finding too many ways to get offended and is too many ways to whore for attention.

Don’t even get me started on otherkin.

 

Insanity like this is causing progress as a society to grind to a halt, while we coddle the feelings of the worst of us. Selfish, childish people are being given places of authority that they simply do not deserve. When the inmates run the asylum, what are the rest of us to do? People like Lena Dunham, an admitted child molester, are given places of cultural influence, where their mental frailty is wielded against an audience of millions, and the mentally ill among them are emboldened by what they see.

The rest of us are being told to simply look on and embrace this brand of progress. Anyone who tries to better himself(I assumed his gender) must first assimilate, or be trampled under the weight(often literally) of various shades of ally who come to ensure that the new wave of fascism is given its due.

In this new age of identity politics, no one gets by on their merits any more. You need to fit into a prescribed box, and hope that you’ve picked the right(left) one.

Meritocracy needs to make a comeback. Your work should be more valuable in the market than your identity. You are more than just your race or gender.

Round and round, the Carousel…

It’s funny to think about, but everything in this world moves in a cycle.

Countries rise and fall, and give birth to new countries. Religions fade into mythology, and new ones pop up to take their place. It’s often been pointed out that the earth goes through heat and cooling cycles, though, those who have money to make from being green will tell you different(HINT: Al Gore’s house puts out between 10 and 21 times more emissions than the average home, depending on time of year)

Your life will move in cycles as well. It’s often said that when bad things happen, it’s because you’re paying now for good things happening later. Thing is, if you’re not ready to receive those good things, for example, because you’re a huge shitbag and won’t stop, then those good things might not cycle back to you. In all seriousness, though, have you noticed that when you are in service to others, your life is suddenly more prosperous?

This is something people have forgotten in corporate America. The higher your rank, the more people you are responsible for. Your duties are supposed to increase when you get promoted. Sadly, too many people get promoted and think it’s their ticket to be lazy and have their underlings pick up the slack. This then makes those hourly workers more stressed and worse at their jobs, which reflects badly on the lazy manager.

The term Garbage In, Garbage Out is a popular one along this same vein. It’s concerning just how much negativity is beamed into our homes via the 24-hour news cycle that we then take with us wherever we go. The foods we eat are often fairly negative for our bodies, too. Maybe it’s time to get back to basics.

via Daily Prompt: Carousel

Blame.

Life doesn’t always go as well as we hope it does. Often, just when things are going smoothly, something will happen to muck it all up. It happens. That’s life. What do we do when things don’t go right, though? Often, we look for the reason it happened, and just as often, we fail to look at ourselves.

How often do you hear people blame some outside force for what happens in their lives? There are small things, like blaming the train or bus for your lateness to work; or blaming the dog for eating your homework. Those are small everyday things, and they generally get put into the category of Excuses. The thing with these is that everybody knows they are excuses. Oh, the train was late? You should’ve caught an earlier one. Your car broke down? Maybe you should’ve maintained it better. People don’t pander to these things.

Why, then, don’t more encompassing things get relegated to the Excuses bin? A common one I hear, often used by awful people about why they’re awful, is their upbringing. People without a father growing up are supposed to be given a hall pass to be lower achievers? Apparently, lacking a father suddenly makes you go out and commit crimes or engage in otherwise illicit behavior. Why is the crime rate higher among people raised by single mothers? Should we lay the blame on women?

Of course not. We’re smarter than that. To whom, then, shall the blame fall? A common one is society, or The System. The system is designed to keep people down, they say. It’s especially designed to keep down those of certain racial backgrounds.

I grew up in that system. Moreover, I grew up in the same household as someone who constantly blames the system. Both of us had no father figure. We had the same mother, who was single and went to work. Both of us had the same level of opportunity. He chose gang life and crime. I, while often invited to take part, did not. He’s been in and out of jail multiple times, and I, despite times of extreme hardship, and opportunity to commit crime, have not.

Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I have anger issues. I used to punch holes in the walls of my home every day. Thing is, I could have blamed a number of outside forces and not helped the problem. I could have blamed…

The System.

Lack of a father figure.

A negative home environment.

Bigotry.

Rich people.

Bullies.

My depression.

My anxiety disorder.

Poverty.

Instead, I paid attention to my triggers, and instead of trying to rid my life of them, I developed resistance to them. I rarely punch walls anymore, or anything, for that matter.

It might sound a little absurd, but most personal problems can be handled that way. It simply takes a little maturity and introspection. Oh, and patience. Tons of patience.

Maybe a little bit of personal responsibility, too.

It’s easy to talk about solutions to problems. It’s far easier to blame something or someone for them. How often did you hear people blame Obama for their financial woes? How often do you hear people blame Trump for random thugs committing violent acts in the name of freedom? How often do you hear people blame every current president for the country getting worse?

Not a single one of them has a real solution though.

Maybe if they worried about themselves instead of everything they can blame, they’d find a solution to their own problems real quick.

Making a better you takes work, and it takes knowing that the current you is not the best one. Aren’t you worth the work?

On Race

The nation seems to be obsessed with three things these days. Race, gender, and sexuality. Three things that, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn’t even be a blip on the radar compared to everything else that’s going on. My personal belief is that a few very rich people have a lot to gain by diving this country and ensuring that no cohesive action will come as a response to a tyrannical police state, or an outside threat.

Today, I will be covering the subject of race.

I have been told countless times that as a white man, I have no place talking about race because I have not experienced that favorite buzzword of the racist left: Institutionalized racism.

I am white. I spent the first twenty-two years of my life living in black neighborhoods. Yes, those kind. The kind that have their own english-ish patois, the kind where people sit on the stoop all day and deal drugs. Basketball games might end in a shooting. I remember knocking on my friend Kareem’s door and his dad answering, looking at me with disgust, and saying, “Kareem. Your white friend is here.”

I remember, despite my desire for peace, love, and friendship, having to become a very scary guy over the years as a survival mechanism. I remember hearing them say nigger far more than I ever heard any white person say it. And no, the word nigga is not different. Don’t fool yourself. I remember, before my intimidating transformation, being called every white racist term that exists, and it being okay because there were a hundred of them and one of me. I also remember that after my transformation, only ever being called Big Mike.

Most of you reading will say I never really experienced racism because I am white. I’d say different. I’d go as far as to say that I experienced that consuming and disempowering form that is “institutionalized” racism. My best friend’s aunt got evicted from her building despite never being late on rent, and being told that it was specifically because she was white, and they didn’t want any whites in their building. I dunno what you think, but I think that looks like racism.

I remember seeing what happened to black kids who liked rock or country, or for that matter, anything besides gangsta rap. The black girls who, in a rare occurrence, were born with straight hair. White girl hair.

I, however, also remember being partially raised by a Jamaican woman named Etty. My (single) mom would go to work, and Etty would watch me all day among her own kids. I wasn’t treated like a white kid. I was just treated like a kid. There were positive experiences growing up as the whitest of the black kids.

These days, I see the group Black Lives Matter all over the place, wedging themselves awkwardly into every special interest group they can. Interrupting Pride parades. Taking over entire college campuses. Segregating some college campuses. You know what I see? The KKK, minus the lynching. The KKK wanted segregation. The KKK tried to hijack every platform they could.

The difference? The KKK wasn’t given a voice. They have their little rallies, but you know who goes to them? Other white supremacists. They don’t get to hijack other people’s rallies to try to get a new audience, because they’d get driven out. And rightly so. No racist group deserves a platform. So why, then, does BLM get a platform? Why have they been allowed to continue for this long, despite how overtly racist they are and now trite and outdated the concept of race even is?

If you are teaching your children things about race that are based on experience and your own slanted thoughts, you’re already perpetuating the cycle.

I was in Wal-Mart with my son once, and he’d never really registered seeing a black person before. He asked me why the man over there had brown skin. I told him that the man’s ancestors, like grandmas and grandpas, came from a place where more melanin in the skin was necessary, and explained that melanin makes a person’s skin dark. He was happy with that answer. I didn’t tell him some stupid story about how god cursed them. I didn’t tell him that black people were any different from anyone else. I didn’t want to create a preconceived notion.

In recent years, however, he’s learning to distrust black people. A number of black families live in our neighborhood, thousands of miles from where I grew up, and their parents apparently decided to go the other route when teaching race to their kids. As a result, my white son is treated differently by the black kids than he is by the white kids. That’s not the way it should be.

Racism goes both ways. It’s institutionalized both ways, too, depending on where you come from. It’s wrong, no matter which side you’re on.

On Beards

Beards.

Apparently, something we can do in our sleep and without effort, contributes to our manliness. It’s become a meme unto itself. Just google beards, and you’ll see endless graphics on why only real men have beards, and how if your man has a beard but doesn’t know what this car part is, then he’s not a man.

I tend to disagree. These days, when I encounter a stranger with a big, bushy lumberjack-esque beard, he’s starting off in the negatives with me. Now, I realize that right away, half of you out there are getting in a huff, and likely untucking your flannel shirt from your skintight jeans to cool off, but hear me out. There were, are, and always will be, men who are not really men. Just as there are women who are not really women.

The term Beta Male gets thrown around a lot. It’s meant to denote a man who is deeply submissive, particularly to women, and gets offended over things that have no effect on him whatsoever. I still believe in the term, despite its growing unpopularity in today’s society. It describes many postmodern third-wave feminist males perfectly.

Feminized beta males have latched on to beards like third-wave feminists have latched on to armpit hair, as a way to passively gain man points. They still act the same, still carry signs that say HER BODY HER CHOICE at an anti-Trump protest, still tell their gross female friends that their period blood omelet is a-okay, and that they’d love to try some but too bad they’re vegan. They wear flannel shirts because lumberjacks are manly. They do Crossfit because kipping looks like real exercise to them.

They hide behind big, fluffy, unkempt beards in the hopes of fooling the people that see them. In the hopes of fooling young “woke” girls into sleeping with them. A guy used to have to learn to play the guitar and break it out at parties and play Wonderwall to get a girl. Now he just grows a beard.

I used to be a massive beta male. I know what one looks like. I know what it feels like in their skin. I know they think they’re legit. I did, back then. I thought my brother was a sexist pig because he sexualized Chantal Kreviazuk instead of embracing her music. I used to put women on a pedestal.

Side note: You can be a good singer, have a true message, and have a nice ass. Not you, though, J-lo. You just have the nice ass.

I grew up. I realized that my childish thoughts weren’t really in line with living a happy productive life. I’ve found that since then, a lot more people find me easy to get along with as well.

I also still have a beard, but it’s well-groomed and defined. It looks better on me than a bare face, and it shows I can take care of myself beyond the basics.

I’m looking forward to the day when beards are once again not just a fashion statement. When I can look at another man and know he grew one because he genuinely likes it rather than what he thinks it says about him.

In closing, I have a daughter who could fix most basic problems on a car like changing tires, brakes, and lights, when she was three. She also ran my jigsaw when I renovated one of our bathrooms. She doesn’t have a beard. She’s six now, and more manly than half the bearded dudes out there.

Maybe the man makes the man, and nothing more.

You can McFeast in Valhalla

This might be a long one. I’m also trying a new format, where I link to the things I’m referencing.

There’s an ever-growing and obnoxious subgroup of people. They walk around looking tired or stressed, and will tell anyone around them that they only slept two hours last night, or that they didn’t even sleep at all. In a group, they compete over who has worked the most hours on the least sleep. I’ve done it before. I once stayed up for six days straight(working a night shift at a prison). By night four, I was pouring an entire 80 Hour Energy(citrus-y heaven in a bottle) into a Mountain Dew twice a night. The flavor alone could wake the dead. I called my Sergeant at 3 AM on night seven, because I had begun hallucinating. I was seeing cat people wandering the pods. I had been the first book in the Tide Lords series, by Jennifer Fallon, and apparently the slave race in that book had embedded itself in my mind.

I digress. I was running on caffeine, yes, but I was also sustained by the knowledge that others knew the sacrifice I was making of my relationship with sleep. Look what I’m doing for my professional life, at the expense of my health. It’s fairly childish, along the lines of twice-as-much-in-the-same-place, uphill-both-ways. It’s kind of jumped the shark, too. More and more, people are complaining about that person. Not only do they not want to be compared to that person by the company, but they don’t want to deal with that person either.

This Wakeful Warrior tends to survive on caffeine and junk food. They run to McDonald’s or the local gas station, or, if they can’t leave the premises, the vending machines will have to suffice. Rarely do you see this person bring a lunch from home. They’re too busy hustling. While their health declines, though, their profits don’t often go up in a commensurate manner. That’s okay. Sleep is for the weak. They’ll McFeast in Valhalla.

Thing is, balance is what’s necessary. Many millionaires will tell you that they did work harder or longer than the average person, but not by much. Their work/life balance was still in order. Listen to the Dave Ramsey Show long enough, and you’ll find that he talks to a lot of millionaires who made it theirs through consistency, rather than destroying their body or mind for it. People making 60K a year as a couple. Ordinary people.

In Bronnie Ware’s Regrets of the Dying, in which she has spent years speaking to those on their deathbed, it is notable that Working Too Much is second only to Living to the Expectations of Others. Oddly enough, the two go hand in hand.

That guy at the office, talking about how little sleep he’s working on, or how many doubles he’s done this week, seems to be fishing for compliments. Or sympathy. He’s trying to outshine everyone else’s expectations of themselves. He’s trying to outrun the company’s expectations of him. If he were only doing it for himself, he wouldn’t talk about it every day. He’ll be lucky if he gives himself time to regret it.

I’m currently experiencing my own state of cognitive dissonance in the wake of my recent job loss. My wife decided to go out and find herself a job that exactly replaces the wages lost from mine, and it’s a cushy one, too. She decided it was high time that I stayed home and got a few books written while I keep the house up. I want to do that, and plan on taking advantage of it, but the role I’ve played for so long and the expectations of those around me are causing me to be irrational about the situation. I need to stay focused on what’s best in the long run, as my writing will likely yield far more than any job I could get.

In the long run.

Here’s hoping I can find some balance.

For now, I’m signing off.

Depression.

Depression can sure be a bitch, can’t it? You think you’re out, and it pulls you right back in. This past week was supposed to be the start of something wonderful, a new page in the book of life. Instead, it has been a battle against myself for no prize. See, life isn’t necessarily treating this family well.

As patriarch of this family, I feel like it’s my duty to ensure that my family is protected from as much of the detritus of life as possible. Sadly, people who hide behind corporate phone numbers and computer screens don’t really have a duty to see to my ability to do that.

I had a job a while back. An injury put me on worker’s comp. The day I was released, medically, to return to work, they sent a letter in the mail that said my services were no longer required. I tried to keep my head up. I was certain that I would manage to make good of this situation. I began to blog. I began writing, and doing it earnestly. I continued to go on morning runs, and listen to thought-provoking podcasts.

Meanwhile, inside a part of my head I have no access to, something else also thought it would make good of this situation. Slowly, my motivation to do anything disappeared. My body felt like how you feel when you first step back out of a swimming pool. My tolerance for my wife and kids almost completely vanished. My tolerance for myself did completely vanish.

I tried going through the motions. Humans are creatures of habit, and no dumb depression is gonna keep me from creating a positive foundation, right?

Wrong.

So wrong.

I haven’t written in almost a week. I have done basic menial tasks when I’m feeling less heavy. Today I helped my wife shelf books at her new job. Her first job in six years. She’s excited, but it wasn’t even remotely the plan.

She’s excited about almost everything. She’s an amazing support, and I know I wouldn’t have made it without her.

She supports, and she knows me. She knows my depression well. She knows what it looks like and sounds like. Some days she can see it before I’m willing to admit it’s there.

She doesn’t understand it, though,

Those without depression have no idea what it’s like. They don’t know what the lead weight inside my head feels like. They don’t know what a constant bubbling anger under the surface feels like. The fear of anything that might set me off. The fear of saying or doing something I’ll regret before I can get it all back under control. There’s a desire to sequester myself, to lie in bed and hide under the covers until the storm passes.

I can’t though. Guilt eats me just as readily as depression. I disappear from my family for a day, or two, or three? I feel like I’m shirking responsibilities. So instead, I go through my day, half-assing some things, doing others properly, depending on the ebb and flow of chemicals in my brain. I keep my eyes on the job at hand. I stay quiet. Of course the kids notice. They’re very forgiving of a depressed daddy.

What kind of home is that to raise kids in, though? Daddy is supposed to be the protector, the walking party, and the law, all in one. He’s not supposed to cry in front of his wife and kids because he knows he’s failed at life because the chemicals tell him so.

I haven’t cried in front of them in a long time. I’ve learned to logic my way past all of that. I know the failure isn’t real, despite how well-made the simulation of it is. I know it’s all chemicals, and that it will stop in a few days. I just want it to stop now.

I get happy in the evenings, because I know the day is ending. I know that I might wake up in the morning feeling like myself again. I like myself. I sure as hell don’t like this guy that I am now.

I want me back.

 

 

Boy, this was kind of all over the place.

In the spirit of the feeling, how about this. I’m going to share one of my depression wallowing activities with you.

Have you heard of Jann Arden? Beautiful music. Her “Time For Mercy” album, and her “Happy?” album are deep, dark, warm pools to wallow in when I’m depressed. Give her a try, you’ll be sorry you did.

 

And, I’m done for now.